Venue: Rooftop Mixology Bar, G Tower, Jalan Tun Razak, Kuala Lumpur
Here’s an event I went for that I was kinda anticipating... for all the wrong reasons. You’ll find out why. And no, it’s not because of the phone.
Here’s the piece I did on the phone for the February issue of Stuff.
Defy life... with a phone?
Motorola DEFY
MYR1,599| www.motorola.com
Ever wanted a phone that defies it all: dust, water, scratches...and even life (...or if you’re an Alviss Kong copycat, freefalls and cars)? Well, now you can, with Motorola’s latest Android offering.
The Éclair-operating 3.7-inch DEFY comes equipped with a high-resolution Corning Gorilla Glass display that has outstanding resistance to impact and scratch damage, and CrystalTalk PLUS technology that vanquishes noisy environments with two microphones that intelligently filter out background noise and amplify your voice.
And for those who are particular, a Froyo update should be available sometime this year. Just don’t put it to test by jumping off high buildings just because your girlfriend dumps you.
Tech Specs
Dimensions: 59 x 107 x 13.2mm
Weight: 118g
OS: Android Éclair 2.1
Display: 3.7in WVGA (480 x 854)
Camera: 5MP with Digital Zoom, Auto Focus, LED flash
Video: Capture/Playback/Streaming, H.264 (VGA Class Video Playback at 30fps), MPEG4
Guess what they gave out as door gifts? Motorola watches! Nice.
Anyway, back to why I was highly anticipating the event itself, here’s why. I thought the Malaysian launch would be just like this.
This was the DEFY launch event that was done in Taiwan. Yeah. Here’s what you’d get if your country isn’t governed by archaic, ultra-sensitive censorship laws. For those who wanna know more (and who can read Chinese), you can visitmobile01.com, which is the site I nicked this from. Thank you Huei Song for posting this on Facebook. You’re right; all waterproof product launches should be like this.
Venue: Starbucks, Berjaya Times Square, Kuala Lumpur
For those of you who aren’t already stalking Hannah’s life (and I wouldn’t be surprised if you aren’t), Hannah Tan has just released an exclusive application for the iPhone. And unfortunately for me (but a fortunate thing for those who find my misery entertaining), I had to go, thanks to my draconian boss.
Let’s start with an introduction of the app itself. To fully comprehend the hilarity of this, I’d let this excerpt from the event invite do the talking:
This is where my beef lies. For the record, I’d like to state that despite my Twitter disgruntlements, my beef isn’t really with Hannah herself. My beef is with the utter stupidity of this app from a business strategy standpoint, and with the explicit narcissism exuded by the existence of the app itself.
I’ll start by building up on the narcissism point. Sometimes in life, we really ought to take a leaf out of the Prudence Theory of accountancy. Always, ALWAYS, recognise realistically where you stand in life. Being a motherfucking celebrity in Malaysia doesn’t make you comparable with Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Elvis Presley, and Michael Jackson! So by exclaiming that “Oh, I’m going to do this just because Lady Gaga is doing it” really makes you no different from a Taiwanese knockoff.
My second point concerns the blatant stupidity of the strategy’s execution. The raison d’être of this app is to garner exposure for Hannah Tan herself, and to show Malaysian artistes that they can leverage upon the same technological mediums used by international artistes. Now, having said all that Miss Tan, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHARGE 99 AMERICAN CENTS FOR A FUCKING DOWNLOAD??? If your main fucking reason is to obtain exposure from potential audiences who have never heard of you, and if you barely brush the surface of the attention that artistes like Lady Gaga get around the world (and I’m not even going to touch on the differences in the talent department), wouldn’t it be strategically better to perhaps NOT charge people for something as redundant and pointless as this app???
Which brings me to my third point: redundancy. Anyone with decent cognitive abilities would ask the magical question: “How exactly would this app justify its USD0.99 cost?” Here’s what the app offers. The app contains 6 main modules: “About Hannah”, “Gallery”, “Exclusive”, “Diary”, “Tell A Friend” and “More”.
If you possess the slightest bit of Malaysian-ism in you, you would ask “What’s the fucking difference??? I might as well visit her website...lah”. Which is exactly the sort of question I asked myself. So being the inquisitive being that I am, I decided to pose the question during the event, to which I was told that the differences between her app and her website are:
1. The availability of Hannah’s baby and childhood photos in the “Early Years” sub-section
2. The exclusive 9 wallpapers in the “Gallery” section...including pictures of Hannah dressing as “sexy Santa just to warm up your Christmas!!!”
3. The “Shake Me” function in the “Exclusive” section which dares you to shake your iPhone in public (NOT PERVY AT ALL!!!) to find out what happens. The other apparently “fun” factor in this section is behind-the-scenes video of the exclusive wallpaper shoots...which oops, by the way, is LOCKED!!! According to the press release, “To add to the fun further, the video is locked and can only be viewed once you tell a friend via Facebook, Twitter, or email” about the app. FUN. Blame Hannah Tan if you lose friends.
Ultimately, ask yourself this: WOULD YOU PAY MONEY FOR THIS SHIT??? Would you pay USD0.99 just to see her baby pictures which, by the way, would only reduce the chances of your getting a girlfriend and solidify your status as a paedophile if you were to walk around carrying pictures of babies and little girls? Would you pay for this when you can get 70% of the content (and more) from Google??? And let’s just face it, we’re all out to see free tits. Who the fuck would pay for cock-teasing non-nude shots?
My last point would be on the sustainability of this app. According to Brian Loo, CEO of the company that developed the app, the average development cost of an app (not including monthly costs) is approximately USD1,000 to USD2,000. That would mean, for Hannah Tan’s app to see a profit, it would need 1,000 to 2,000 “ham sap lou”s (‘pervert’ in Cantonese) to download it. And these “ham sap lou”s would have to be diehard stalkers...diehard enough to feel that whatever Google offers is insufficient, and that they need the exclusive content offered by the app to satisfy their needs. But ask anyone who monitors the Internet and they would tell you that it would only be a matter of time before someone jailbreaks the exclusive content and generously shares it with the rest of the world. Do you reckon people would start paying for the app then?
Granted that there is a pretty hefty cost to develop an app like this, I suppose one could argue that it is understandable as to why Hannah’s charging for the app. But honestly, given that this app offers very little, maybe it would be best for her (and the rest of the world) to not develop an app at all. If the minor purpose is to attain passive income, this app would only haemorrhage cash. And besides, no one really misses late 90s R n’ B. And no one misses Innuendo. Hannah, your single “Angel” is so shit. So, so shit.
PS: I understand that I do have a little bit of a non-Malaysian audience. And for obvious reasons, you wouldn’t know who Hannah Tan is. And nobody blames you. Some of us in Malaysia would choose to not know her if we could. But yeah, if you want an idea, Wikipedia is great. Just filter out the sycophantic puff that was probably inserted by her marketing team.
Oh yeah, and if you’re wondering which of her described talents actually awards her celebrity categorisation, keep pondering. But do enjoy this video submission to build up your opinion. Thank you so much Erna for scarring me for life. Tringalingaling.
